30 days...

... until I turn 30. In lieu of new years resolutions (who actually keeps those anyway?!)... I thought since this is a big year (you only turn 3 decades once in a lifetime), I would reflect on my journey the past 29 years (more importantly the last decade which has had the most immediate effect on where my life is now), and my "goals" for my 30th year.

Things I accomplished/learned/endured:
- discovered my passion for wanting to have a positive impact on the lives of children (fancy way for saying- the classroom is where I feel at home)... also discovered if you let one lousy professor (who later got fired- go figure) decide your fate... you will regret it (I gave up on my chem prerequisite courtesy of her)

- graduated with my BA in Liberal Studies
- found my best-friend for life where/when I least expected (I'll save our "story" for another post one day), got married
-decided I love to learn (nerd party of one!)... went back to school for my masters and credential
-discovered I want to be Ghandi in the classroom (be the positive change you wish to see in the lives of impressionable children)
-survived and learned I can teach and enjoy kindergarten, special-ed pre-k AND sixth grade (much to my surprise it was one of my greatest and stressful experiences ever)

-graduated on Friday, got laid off on a Monday...
-shortly after discovered God's plan was for me to be a teacher/mother/and homemaker (does anyone even use that word anymore?)  to Jayme who came along later that year
-found that unconventional friendships can be the most inspiring
-realized I really love party planning, and paper crafting (how mommish does that sound?!)
-discovered that death and suffering sucks. and cancer. Realized my mother-in-law was one tough cookie who will always be an inspiration to me (in memory)... also realized that no matter how good a family seems to be holding it together, when the glue goes away, greed and ugliness find their way to dismantle a family in no time...
-realized my heroes are not the "superman" type, but rather they are well into their 80's (and 90's) and have endured and lived life in a way that inspires me everyday (both in my marriage and life in general)- my gramps and Ryan's grandma have both been incredible in care-taking their spouse to the very end no matter how difficult the task (emotionally and physically)
-realized that life is empty without fellowship and friends to support (no matter how awesome your marriage... friends play a critical role in life)
-realized that counting blessings can include those which are not obvious (the ability to have good credit in order to survive this economy and without a job... God's timing with having Jayme- biggest. blessing. ever.)
-realized how easy it is to take life for granted, and how crappy divorce is on a family even if you are all adults
-realized i want to spend the next decade focused on my "small family" thriving (instead of surviving) and try to be as selfless as possible (sounds lame... but until you become a parent, you don't realize how difficult it is to transition from selfish to selfless- gone are the days of shopping sprees and endless "me time")

my inspiration

I could go on, but this is the general gist (I'm sure I probably forgot something(s)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

As Ryan and I sat somberly in the surgery waiting room this morning, I saw this verse in the National Geographic, and it struck a major chord with me. My all time favorite verse (since high school) has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Still one of my faves, but after the past 24 hours, I needed to hear encouraging words ... "this too shall pass" and "to everything there is a season" (this song comes to mind). Yesterday's reality check involved realizing how I took for granted the sweet sound of a baby's heartbeat... life is not a guarantee. death is. whether you are ready or not to accept it. During my routine monthly checkup the doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat, and as he magnified the ultrasound all I could see was the lifeless blob of white on the screen (looked like a banana, which has now given me a complex when I see the bananas on our counter and am brought to tears). 

Then the words, "yeahhhh, I'm just not seeing a heartbeat." Just a couple days shy of 12 weeks (and a week and a few days from making it to the coveted second trimester), our second child-to-be left this life and 24 hours later- my body. I immediately drew comfort in knowing that he/she is in Heaven meeting his/her nana. I know that one day we will get to meet our little angel. The past 48 hours have been a whirl wind of tests, waiting, coping, questioning (was it the sushi? the trip down the stairs? stress?), and learning to understand that I just happened to be in that odd 3% of people that have a pregnancy that is bound to fail eventually even if it is past the 7-8 week mark. 

This morning I spent my first of 30 days counting down to 30, in the hospital having a D&C. Clearly not a "light and easy topic" to talk to their patients about, I have to say that the nurses and care team @ St. Jude were INCREDIBLE, especially the random hugs and comfort in knowing your not alone (and sadly it could be worse- we could have known the gender and developed a deeper bond, or I could have been 7 months along and had to deliver a still born... I'll count this as a crazy blessing that I will hopefully be able to accept soon enough). The most peace I found today was the discharge nurse who held me and asked to pray over me (is this normal?! or did God just know it was what I needed?) 

Hopefully, as time passes and I continue to count down the days until the big 3-0, I am confident that my faith, family, and friends will comfort our loss and help as we turn a new chapter in our little White Family.