the daily joys of motherhood...

little miss independent (and aspiring fashionista?)

Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness
and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons,
to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...
and to forgive yourself, over and over again,
for doing everything wrong.

~ Donna Ball, At Home on Lady Bug Farm

Over the course of the past couple months, my little lady has been a roller coaster of emotions... they call it "TWO" ... One moment she's my sweetheart who melts my heart with a random hug or kiss before going back to her playtime, or trying to help me in the garden, with "aundrey" (laundry), or vacuuming - the next moment she is likely trying to declare her independence or find her voice, only it comes out in the form of a tantrum, a screech, or a straight up "NO! MIIIIIIIIIINE!" (I loathe these words!). I am so grateful for the numerous sweet moments (and the ability to journal them here where I can look back and remind myself from time to time that she really is a sweetheart), but I am definitely ready to move past this strong-will-independence-seeking stage! 

On another note- breaking the pacifier habit during this stage of "TWO" is not ideal.

 I was planning on breaking her bink habit after the new year, but with constant illness and then a difficult 2 months on top of one reason or another putting it off (let's face it, the bink is an excellent mute plug and it is mostly used for bed time/nap time)... 

but alas the time came when i felt compelled (and ashamed that my two year old still used a pacifier) to "pull the plug" just after turning 2. I started cutting the tips off her binks one by one as they would surface (the kid is no dummy, she has a stash everywhere!) Then when we had one final blue bink left (the sacred last binky,) it was as if she knew that was the last one and refused to sleep without it (screaming/crying so loud that our neighbors could hear at night), and so we have had a hard time taking that final bink away at night for about 3 weeks. Fast forward to this past Saturday, after a late night of no sleep at Grampa's house, then a busy day playing with her Nana, the sacred final bink got lost at Nana's and the dreaded time came inadvertently.

For 6 solid hours (unbelievable until you hear it first hand that crying that long is even possible) our little girl screamed, cried, whimpered, whined, and fought sleep without her bink... about half way through I lost my sanity and shut myself in my room to join her in crying out of sheer frustration and complete exhausted angst. Somewhere around midnight we both fell asleep, and each bedtime/naptime since then has gotten a tiny bit better, but I imagine this power struggle and coping without a pacifier to go to sleep will last the rest of the week... Lesson learned- next kid WILL NOT have a pacifier by 2 (maybe even one... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it).

Two.

Dear Jayme,

Time has flown by in the blink of an eye… so much so that you have been officially two for almost two months! I can remember the day you were born and your 1^st birthday as if they were only a few weeks ago, and now our sweet baby girl is officially two going on sixteen! Your daddy has affectionately named you “booger” and I like to refer to you as “pistol”… while you have your absolute sweetheart moments that melt our hearts, you have officially entered “that stage” that is not for the faint of heart… meltdowns in the parking lot, Target aisles, Costco, and anywhere you can get the attention to get what you want. when you want it. and how you want it. have given me and your daddy a reality check of what it means to have a two year old. I now completely understand the phrase “this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you” when it comes to disciplining (whether it’s a swat on the bootie, a time out, or taking away a privilege that we both looked forward to)… You have always had a little sass to your personality, but now that you are much more vocal, your strong will (which is a good thing- your Nana had the same nature and was an incredible woman for it!) is taking shape each day.

 However, for every difficult moment, we have experienced just as many if not more of your sweetheart moments… your daddy and I especially love when you ask for a hug out of nowhere, give affectionate kisses and encourage family hugs and kisses after bedtime prayer (this is becoming our nightly ritual and it is one of my favorite parts of our daily routine), when you say “amo” (your version of te amo) after we tell you “I love you”, when you give sweet hugs and acknowledge “gentle” to your baby doll and friends, when you want to hold hands or “nuggle” (snuggle), when you get so excited to go see a friend or family member and that becomes your only focus until we get there, when you insist on cleaning up your little spills and messes (I’m afraid you are going to be OCD in that department like your uncle Alex), when you try to help mommy by carrying my purse in the store (even though it weighs nearly as much as you), when you enjoy quiet reading time, when you insist on watching Calliou for the 100^th time and insist that mommy or daddy must sit with you, when you get excited about learning your signs or teaching mommy and daddy new signs you have learned from Alex and Leah (Signing Time- our lunch time show), when you don’t know what to say during prayer or grace so with your head bowed and hands folded you begin to sing “the a says ahhh…” and any other letter that comes to mind from the letter factory before you end with a solid “AMEN!”, when you help mommy or daddy water the grass and the garden each day (you actually do a good job and can do it unsupervised now!), when you count to 10 or sing your abc’s while mommy does pushups/Jayme lifts (at nearly 30lbs I think Jayme lifts may be coming to an end soon), when you are miss social butterfly and super well behaved on a shopping trip (you seem to do best at the grocery store and in the “big cart” at “Ostco”), when you act like a goofball because you know it will make someone laugh, and when you say/sign “potty!” when you get nervous, anxious, or are about to get into trouble (sometimes we believe you are a little too intelligent for your own good, but that potty act doesn’t work on mommy and daddy anymore ;-) 

18 months-24 months

Things your love (in no particular order):

Gampa’s house

Daddy snuggles

Your bitty baby

Your purse (or mommy’s purse)

Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! (especially your hideous red patent leather strappy deals… I think they look like orthotics, you think they’re “prrrrreeeettty”)

Bebba, Taycie, Alex

Nanna phone chats

Sitting shot gun in daddy’s truck (when he pulls in the garage)

“Ostco” (just like your mommy when it comes to this store)

Doggies and kitties

Chocolate (bound to happen between your daddy and my love for it)

Calliou -I’m embarrassed to say how much you actually watch it :-/

Daddy snuggles before bedtime

“Au-rey” and “Ri-rey” play dates

“Nessa” “eff” “Connai” and “ky-ky” (your family away from home)

Smelling mommy’s hair, skin, and giving love pats and kisses

Coloring (especially with daddy)

Headbands (still!)

Dressing yourself (although sometimes you look like a neglected child in the wardrobe you insist on putting together… but I figure it’s a stage you will soon grow out of ;-)

The beach (you are your Bebba’s Nugget!)

Yogurt, popcorn, grampa’s ribs, and “coffee” (you have to mimic mommy with your water in a coffee mug nearly every morning)

“swings-slide-friends” (when you want to go to the park you repeatedly say/sign this with so much enthusiasm)

Dislikes:

The word “no”

Target (more like you want to have your way every time we attempt to shop there, so we both end up in a bad mood by the time we leave)

Strangers and grown men you don’t know (gives you a near anxiety attack every time)

Loud noises that are unfamiliar (you cover your ears and sometimes duck between mommy or daddy’s legs or arms)

Accomplishments/Firsts:

Swimming/wading in the ocean (this is a Bebba and Nugget “thing”)

Tent Camping (you love it, just not when we have noisy neighbors)

Potty trained by 2! You go most days without an accident (overnight is a different story, but that’s due to a water habit you have like your mommy and daddy)

Riding your tricycle (still need help steering a little)

Your vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds every day, and we now have to be careful of things you might repeat … “etto abulous!” (ghetto fabulous)

Originally we were just going to do basic signs to help you communicate before you could speak, and now you are up to somewhere over 30 signs (while not perfect, we know what your are saying- colors, play signs, people, etc.)

one year / two years

almost always wearing a smile (13-18 months)

We are so excited to see what experiences this year brings you and us as you continue to blossom out of toddler-hood and into a beautiful little girl (tear). I am personally excited to see how your nurturing skills with your baby doll transfer over to your new baby brother or sister come January ;-)

Love, Mommy & Daddy

impatiently praying for patience...

I am thankful and blessed for everything that I am fortunate enough to have or have experienced because I truly believe everything has a purpose... but right now I feel like God is laughing at my impatient prayer for patience... today started off last night like one of those annoying, pesky little flies that won't leave your picnic food alone... not quite one of those "someone died, or got cancer, or is in the hospital" kind of days... just. plain. annoying. (and Someone is teaching me a major lesson in patience today)

After a long beautiful family camping trip this weekend, I came home exhausted (like bones aching, bags under-the-eyes, forgetting how to spell your simple last name kind of exhausted)... and I realized only this morning that quite possibly the reason Jayme hasn't been able to sleep at night is because her two bottom molars are finally breaking through (toddlers stop at 20 teeth right?! I hope!)

I got up at 5:30 to a crying nugget who had fallen out of her bed, I attempt to rock her back to sleep, as I begin to crawl deliriously back into bed myself- Ryan halts me and reminds me its time for our morning smoothie routine- so I march downstairs in a grumpy mood and start to whip together some spinach, kale, strawberries, cucumber and apple into the blender... i grumpily pour three cups, put mine and Jayme's back in the fridge and as I am cleaning up to go back upstairs to hopefully get another hour of sleep, Ryan tries to put Jayme back to bed (she never went back to sleep) and this only excites his little girl who loves to see her daddy off in the morning... after he leaves, i go put her back to bed again and desperately crawl back into bed myself... 7:00- "moooooooommmmmmyyyyyy" all right. i'm up. she wants to go snuggle in mommy and daddy's bed...awesome! I can get a few extra restful moments- until I get kneed in the eye (hoping it doesn't turn bruised!) time to really get up. we go downstairs, take off the pullup, no pee in the potty, have our breakfast smoothies in our coffee mugs (she thinks she's just like mommy when I put her smoothie in a plastic coffee mug, which we have to "cheers" in between every sip)... time to get busy, she plays but nags at me as soon as i step into the kitchen to do dishes... few minutes later i hear her call for help in the bathroom... apparently she had to go potty (which i should be glad she knew to even go to the real toilet on her own), but in the process of trying to climb onto the toilet, she fell in... all the way in... i strip off her clothes and soaked shoes, and wipe her down (not even sure she went pee)... we play, she gives the signal she has to go #2, I put her on her potty- she goes! YAY! then 5 minutes later (literally maybe even 4 minutes) she pees ALOT on the couch.... we clean up, she plays i start to prep dinner, as I begin to pound out the chicken under the plastic wrap (a little too excited to use the meat mallet), juice splatters all over me and the floor (i'm convinced this wouldn't have happened if i wasn't sleep deprived and grumpy) just then Jayme wants to be held and treks right through the mess on the floor. clean up again. go play while mommy tries to get her Proverbs 31 study in... ironic lesson today in cleaning house... but now Jayme is extra whiny and wants snacks (I think she needs a nap. heck we both need naps and its not even 10am). I go to get a gala apple for us to share (because i'm on a gala apple twice a day kick) and realize my produce bag is full of 3 different kind of apples that are not gala, sounds like a lame annoyance, but when you want what you want, anything else becomes annoying (the worst part is its all my own fault for not paying attention at the store) all the while I'm begging (impatiently) to grant me patience.... dishes done. chicken ready to go. Nugget fed. I put her down way early for a nap (praying it doesn't throw off our tutoring schedule/day), sit down to gather my thoughts, pray for more patience, and it hits me... if i put it into words, one day- maybe even tomorrow- i can look back at this and have learned that life goes on, even if a pesky fly won't leave your food alone... (i know i know... lame analogy, but its all i got) annnnnnnd my favorite annoying to hear sometimes but totally true saying- it. could. always. be. worse. So now I will thank God its not worse and get on with this beautiful rainy day.

i had to vent, my apologies for the boring mommy ramble. the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good, Very Bad Day came to mind...

bye-bye baby...

Last week we converted Jayme's crib into a toddler bed (a- so she would stop getting hurt trying to climb out, and b- so she would be able to use the potty at night when we start potty training soon)... I think we mentally prepared as much as we physically prepared her room! Much to our surprise, she LOVES her big girl bed! We baby gated her doorway so she can't get herself into trouble at night, and I spent all of March baby-proofing her room completely (i.e. moved the office stuff out of her room and finding a home for everything that was piled up in her room). The first night we went to put her to bed she was so excited as she ran up to her bed and said, "beh?! beh?!"... she didn't even want to be cuddled by her daddy that first night, she was anxious to climb into her big girl bed all by herself and put herself to sleep- I thought this was just lucky night one, for sure she would cry or get up several times and play, etc... but much to our surprise she LOVES her bed and STAYS in it! There have been a handful of times she has gotten up at night, but I didn't notice until the morning when I noticed toys out, or her babies tucked in with pacifiers she had dug out of her drawer for them in the middle of the night. My favorite part about her big girl bed is that she will wake up and chat with her babies or read a book in bed before calling me in to get her (she doesn't get out of bed until I come get her! LOVE IT!)
So now that we have had 2 weeks of toddler bed success, we are on to potty training. I am anxious to get her trained because a- diapers are ridiculous expensive, and b- her diaper rashes will go away and STAY away (I assume)... however, as excited as we are to get her potty trained, I can't help but think this is just one more transition of our baby girl turning into a little girl. I am clinging to those last little baby phases as she is simultaneously pushing her limits and trying to be a big girl :she sits at the table without her high chair now, diapers and soothes her baby dolls, carries on full conversations with us- even though we understand about 1/4 of it- tries to dress and undress herself, hates having a diaper on if she can help it, says "noooo- good-byEEE!" when she is trying to focus on something and doesn't want help (coloring, when she goes number 2 and needs privacy, brushing her teeth, getting into mommy's makeup drawer...) she is getting so big so fast, it makes me sad and proud all at once. Its precious to watch her and her girlfriends develop actual playmate friendships and I love how she will rehash/gab about her playdates with her daddy after work and for the next day or two she begs to go play with "Au-rey" or "lie-ly"... I wish we didn't live so far away from her friends, but Lord willing we will find a house and a location that meets all of our needs soon enough.

Daddy teaching her how to roll down the hill (she couldn't get enough, and I couldn't get enough of watching his joy in being a hands on daddy)

lovin' on baby Jax with her mommy (she is such a mommy's girl- "my mommy!")

big girls eating lunch at their big girl table (seems like yesterday they had baby food and high chairs!)

loves her big girl swing at Grampa's house

"Au-rey" and "Mae-me" are independent little divas... we are gonna be in trouble with these two!

full on conversating in their own language

my favorite picture. (what you don't see is lil' miss independent wanting to hold Age's bag and walk- no being held by mommy in public!)

not quite 2... going on 16...

 
In just 2 months you will be 2 years new to the world, although your need-for-independence-attitude and lively personality will beg to differ... you are incredibly sassy, with the sweetest demeanor... we knew from the very moment we first felt you move (you liked to play hard to get with your feet) that you had a vivacious personality, and apparently our instincts were correct! You are extremely animated and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to laugh and be silly!
Other things you currently love:
*"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" with over 2 months of on and off being sick and discovering you have severe allergies you have become a major mommy cling-on (which I am not taking for granted because I know that all too soon I will be missing the days you were my lil' mommy's girl)
*Your daddy's "night night sleepy girl" snuggle time before bed every night (that is one time you DON'T want mommy, only daddy will do)
*Calliou and Happy Feet (you have figured out how to turn on the tv and computer in your room to get your morning or evening fix of your favorite cartoon, and when you can't figure it out you bring the remote to one of us and insist on "ky-ky" or "app fee! app fee!")
*Your girlfriend Audrey (you carry her valentine's picture around with you to the point we needed to tape her back together again)... whenever I say we are going to see your friend, your excited response is always "au-rey?! au-rey?!"
*Gam-pa (it's precious that you recognize when we are a few blocks away we are on our way to "gam-pa's!")

*"ahhhh-ahhhh-ah!" with Nana
*pretty sure you love them equally as much as you love getting a rise out of Bebba and Taycie by calling Bebba "Taycie" and ignoring Taycie all together when prompted to say her name
*Uncle "Alice"
*anything that resembles chocolate or something sweet (it's crazy how you just know a package you've never seen, smelled, or tasted contains something sweet that you MUST have!)
*kitties, puppies, and finding the moon
*headbands, "gasses" (sunglasses), and your shoes- crocs, sparkly TOMS, and your cowgirl boots especially
*going to the park ("side! side!" <slide> or "sing! sing!" <swings>)
*pretending to talk on the phone (even if its a remote control, a shoe, or mom's camera)
*reading, reading, and more reading (and I LOVE that you love to read!)

Other noteworthy milestones:
* the way you say "AAAA-MEN" after grace and bedtime prayers
* the way you say "aaa-mo" after we say "love you!" (Bebba taught you "te amo" and it's awesome that you know to respond in Spanish when we say it in English... but that's as far as we've come with learning Spanish so far)
* the way you say "I wuuuuv ou" when you want to be sweet (and when you don't say it in Spanish)
* you have figured out how to put your shoes on, take your clothes off (and your diaper- doh!) and climb out of your crib... you are also pretty good at putting on your hats, headbands (or insisting that daddy wear one with you) and sunglasses
* you won't eat kraft mac n' cheese (a childhood staple), but you will chug down a spinach and kale smoothie every morning (I love your quirks)
* you count by yourself (with your own numbers) when you go in a time out, up or down stairs, and when mommy is doing pull-ups/push-ups or Jayme lifts (I need to get this recorded because it melts my heart)
* you are learning to pedal your tricycle
* you are great at asking for "help please" (verbal and signing)
* you are pretty good at saying "bess you" after someone sneezes (but if its daddy, you like to copy his sneeze repetitively), and you are getting consistent with your please and "ank you" (verbal and signing)

Your daddy and I can't believe how fast you have grown right before our eyes (and literally overnight!)
Don't grow up too fast though... we are too busy enjoying these little moments while you are still our "baby doll"

terrible two's....

as i am doing the dishes, i notice lil' bug attempting to put her crocs on by herself... earlier today it was her boots (she refused help when I tried to correct right from left), then her black dress shoes (she loves the tapping sound they make everywhere she pitter-patters stomps)... i think what's terrible about two's is that this is when that precious lil' baby you've been coddling for the past couple dozen months really starts growing right before your eyes (the physical transformation from baby to toddler, to little girl), becoming more independent, needing mommy and daddy less and less (or so she insists until a meltdown of frustration overcomes her).... a few days ago Ryan went to check on our chatty (supposed to be napping) princess, only to find her clean diaper in hand and a crib and little girl covered in poo- literally smeared into her hair down between her toes and in every nook and cranny of her crib. She thought it was hilarious as we quickly went into cleanup mode (only time for a mental picture since neither of us had a phone or the camera handy to take a quick snapshot of this "not-funny-now-but-sure-to-be-hilarious-later" moment). It drives me bonkers that she insists on having her diaper off (often times right before she has to poop- maybe time to potty train?) and she is finally able to take her clothes off so needless to say we officially have a stubborn streaker on our hands (of course she is butt naked minus the headband and her shoes of choice- always a little diva). This stage of learning demanding her independence has taught me more than I realized I needed to learn about patience. Sadly (and shamefully), I never actually knew what made Job such a "patient" person in the Bible... so after being fed up one night with my tantrum-throwing-not-quite-two-climbing-her-way-onto-and-out-of-everything-diva, I took a quiet me-time-moment to open my Bible and find out what this patient Job guy was all about... needless to say- I have a walk in the park on my hands compared to his situation, and I have found myself constantly (literally a dozen + times a day) reminding myself of how incredible his patience level was as he was tested in Biblical proportions...  the terrible part about two is saying good-bye to my sweet baby girl, and hello to a little girl who is trying/fighting to find her independence in this little world of hers...

"i'm gonna take this bag out to the trash... what's the big deal?!"

our streaker stripped down and found a quiet place to read her daddy's engineer manual... this is just one of those pictures worth a thousand words i had to sneak (While I was making dinner, I found her here after I realized it was too quiet in the living room- priceless)

how i spend my down time...

When I can wiggle some me time in (aside from the norm of a SAHM day of pinteresting, errands, entertaining a toddler, cleaning, cooking, cleaning some more, laundry, showering, etc...) I have found crafting to be my relax time (obviously if I could go to a yoga class followed by a day spa with complete pampering from head to toe that would definitely trump my craft time as my ideal me time... but back to reality). Ryan will tell you that the type-A in me becomes crazed and stressed over my "relaxing" hobby, but for the most part it brings me satisfaction and joy in making people smile with a homemade card or invite...
annnnd it keeps me sane since I can't do any major decorating/remodeling to our rental house :-)

invites

miscellaneous cards

my favorite project so far! Magnet bubble letters... my next plan is to make Jayme a set of ABC's

simple advice...

"accept it... change it... or move on"

My Nonnie reminded me of this simple piece of advice that my Papa used to give (if you knew the man, you wouldn't be surprised at these blunt words... he didn't beat around the bush... he was a take it or leave it straight-forward kinda guy). These words, although simple, were the prefect way to sum up our past week. While it has been an incredibly difficult and sad week, it has also been a reality check to embrace the life we have been given and be ready for any change-ups that will surely be along the way (I'm beginning to look at life as a marathon of hurdles... its how we pace ourselves in between those hurdles that will help us succeed in this life race- corny... I know, but it's what came to mind.... okay- really corny). After the initial shock wore off, sadness and acceptance that this is a "non-changeable" situation kicked in... and I have to say that having an incredibly supportive family and beautiful little girl really helped Ryan and I with the "move on" phase... While we will always remember the child we won't get to meet here on earth, our focus is on our beautiful little girl that we have already been blessed with and whats in store for our little White Family future.

I haven't really been in a blogging mood... so here is a quick look back at where we've been and where we're headed after this life-changing week. (ps... the picture quality is lame because I used my phone for quick snap shots throughout the week)

I can help make dinner mommy... does bear soup work for you? (she seriously was the best medicine for this mommy's heart)

Mom is on a "get-her-body-back-in-shape-and-healthy-before-getting-pregnant-again" kick... so I'll have a kale and spinach breakfast smoothie each day... mmmmm green goodness :)

this darn sinus infection refuses to leave me alone... Doctor's office twice in one week for this sick lil' bug (second round of antibiotics seem to be doing the trick)

PERFECT way to cap off our week. (the rainbow... not the rain)

a hiccup in my party planning... but I finally got all 40 handmade shower invites out on time! The show must go on :)

picture worth a thousand words. <3 her

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us this week.... I cannot tell you enough how touched I was (and Ryan as well) to know that so many people responded with messages, phone calls, texts, etc... honestly I figured just our immediate family and friends would read and know what was going on, but the outpouring of love and support have been incredible in the healing process. Thank you :)

30 days...

... until I turn 30. In lieu of new years resolutions (who actually keeps those anyway?!)... I thought since this is a big year (you only turn 3 decades once in a lifetime), I would reflect on my journey the past 29 years (more importantly the last decade which has had the most immediate effect on where my life is now), and my "goals" for my 30th year.

Things I accomplished/learned/endured:
- discovered my passion for wanting to have a positive impact on the lives of children (fancy way for saying- the classroom is where I feel at home)... also discovered if you let one lousy professor (who later got fired- go figure) decide your fate... you will regret it (I gave up on my chem prerequisite courtesy of her)

- graduated with my BA in Liberal Studies
- found my best-friend for life where/when I least expected (I'll save our "story" for another post one day), got married
-decided I love to learn (nerd party of one!)... went back to school for my masters and credential
-discovered I want to be Ghandi in the classroom (be the positive change you wish to see in the lives of impressionable children)
-survived and learned I can teach and enjoy kindergarten, special-ed pre-k AND sixth grade (much to my surprise it was one of my greatest and stressful experiences ever)

-graduated on Friday, got laid off on a Monday...
-shortly after discovered God's plan was for me to be a teacher/mother/and homemaker (does anyone even use that word anymore?)  to Jayme who came along later that year
-found that unconventional friendships can be the most inspiring
-realized I really love party planning, and paper crafting (how mommish does that sound?!)
-discovered that death and suffering sucks. and cancer. Realized my mother-in-law was one tough cookie who will always be an inspiration to me (in memory)... also realized that no matter how good a family seems to be holding it together, when the glue goes away, greed and ugliness find their way to dismantle a family in no time...
-realized my heroes are not the "superman" type, but rather they are well into their 80's (and 90's) and have endured and lived life in a way that inspires me everyday (both in my marriage and life in general)- my gramps and Ryan's grandma have both been incredible in care-taking their spouse to the very end no matter how difficult the task (emotionally and physically)
-realized that life is empty without fellowship and friends to support (no matter how awesome your marriage... friends play a critical role in life)
-realized that counting blessings can include those which are not obvious (the ability to have good credit in order to survive this economy and without a job... God's timing with having Jayme- biggest. blessing. ever.)
-realized how easy it is to take life for granted, and how crappy divorce is on a family even if you are all adults
-realized i want to spend the next decade focused on my "small family" thriving (instead of surviving) and try to be as selfless as possible (sounds lame... but until you become a parent, you don't realize how difficult it is to transition from selfish to selfless- gone are the days of shopping sprees and endless "me time")

my inspiration

I could go on, but this is the general gist (I'm sure I probably forgot something(s)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

As Ryan and I sat somberly in the surgery waiting room this morning, I saw this verse in the National Geographic, and it struck a major chord with me. My all time favorite verse (since high school) has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Still one of my faves, but after the past 24 hours, I needed to hear encouraging words ... "this too shall pass" and "to everything there is a season" (this song comes to mind). Yesterday's reality check involved realizing how I took for granted the sweet sound of a baby's heartbeat... life is not a guarantee. death is. whether you are ready or not to accept it. During my routine monthly checkup the doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat, and as he magnified the ultrasound all I could see was the lifeless blob of white on the screen (looked like a banana, which has now given me a complex when I see the bananas on our counter and am brought to tears). 

Then the words, "yeahhhh, I'm just not seeing a heartbeat." Just a couple days shy of 12 weeks (and a week and a few days from making it to the coveted second trimester), our second child-to-be left this life and 24 hours later- my body. I immediately drew comfort in knowing that he/she is in Heaven meeting his/her nana. I know that one day we will get to meet our little angel. The past 48 hours have been a whirl wind of tests, waiting, coping, questioning (was it the sushi? the trip down the stairs? stress?), and learning to understand that I just happened to be in that odd 3% of people that have a pregnancy that is bound to fail eventually even if it is past the 7-8 week mark. 

This morning I spent my first of 30 days counting down to 30, in the hospital having a D&C. Clearly not a "light and easy topic" to talk to their patients about, I have to say that the nurses and care team @ St. Jude were INCREDIBLE, especially the random hugs and comfort in knowing your not alone (and sadly it could be worse- we could have known the gender and developed a deeper bond, or I could have been 7 months along and had to deliver a still born... I'll count this as a crazy blessing that I will hopefully be able to accept soon enough). The most peace I found today was the discharge nurse who held me and asked to pray over me (is this normal?! or did God just know it was what I needed?) 

Hopefully, as time passes and I continue to count down the days until the big 3-0, I am confident that my faith, family, and friends will comfort our loss and help as we turn a new chapter in our little White Family. 

Tid bit Tuesday...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to tell yourself 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you cannot do."  

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Just thought I'd share this inspirational quote my sister shared with me while tackling a challenge I found to be too unnerving for me... these words have become my daily inspiration to tackle the challenges and seemingly impossible situations that are life. Happy Tuesday!

Third times a charm... or a rude awakening... and 1000 Gifts

Three times today an incredibly devastating and inconceivable (beyond our narrow scope of all things TV, internet, and newsprint) reality of human suffering has been brought to my attention (Someone upstairs clearly telling me to pay attention beyond my little bubble and get over feeling sorry for myself)… After hearing and reading about the worst drought and famine in over 60 years affecting OVER 12 MILLION people in parts of Africa, I felt convicted and spoiled (even as we try to figure out how we are going to afford our usual groceries and basic bills each month with one shaky income… its embarrassing to admit that I thought we are/were “barely making ends meet” when these people can’t even get basic water- let alone CLEAN water- food, or proper medical attention). I can’t help but think that every door closes for a reason. And before we realize it, another door or even a small window- a glimmer of hope or assurance- opens a new opportunity. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine the pain and suffering these people are enduring. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what it would be like if I had to trek on foot, with Jayme on my back (hungry for anything that might possibly cross her lips), for days on end in the brutal desert just to possibly find resources at a camp that will provide some minuscule nourishment and maybe some way to prevent widespread measles among other life-threatening diseases (the little provisions that get past the corrupt government who is hoarding the supplies for themselves and the military)… It literally brings tears to my eyes to realize how blessed I am only after seeing the nightmare happening in Africa (my heart strings as a mom are particularly sensitive to those children who depend on the aid of their dying parents)… I have used the line “Well it’s bad, but it could be worse… we could be starving orphans in Ethiopia!” - and now I feel so humbled and lame that the ignorant words that escape my mouth are not just words, but to over 12 million people they are a harsh reality.

I’ve been reading a book that a friend (who has inspired me in more ways than she realizes) gifted me. 1000 Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, has truly touched my heart and has opened my eyes to the countless blessings that surround everyday life and that may have gone unappreciated or unnoticed until now.

This book, coupled with this overwhelming human suffering, has given me a new inspiration for my life and as a result- my blog. (side note* I realize there is tragedy- and possibly even to this scale or worse- in other parts of the world, and I am not ignoring or lessening the severity of those circumstances- I have just been rocked to the core by the awareness this famine has brought me.) I realize updates on our little family (accompanied with pictures of our growing little girl) are entertaining and bring joy to some of you who follow (i.e. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, etc.), but I feel it is important to appreciate my countless blessings (heck- the fact I have a computer to type on and the freedom to publish my thoughts on the internet are blessings in themselves!)

  1.     As Ryan likes to say, our child “eats regular and has a roof over her head” (a basic need that often gets taken for granted) 

she loves to paint with nutella as much as she enjoys eating it

  2.     In keeping with our child’s eating- baby fat and chubby thighs.
  3.     The infectious laughter that fills our home when Jayme is simply happy (sometimes I wish we could truly re-live and appreciate the innocence of a child as the world around them is full of turmoil and yet they have genuine laughter and happiness)

  4.     Healthcare. Even if it is out-of-this-world inflated and ridiculous, at least it’s available and my child is healthy because of it.
 5.     The smell of clean baby.

6.     Mid-afternoon on a Tuesday dance party with my toddler, simply because WE CAN.

 to be continued....

Time for change....

“Fake it till you make it” “believe it and you’ll achieve it” “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….. all mantras I have lived, but I’m ready to quit surviving by these and start thriving.  All cheesy quotes aside (let’s face it quotes are just that. Words.) I NEED change. I crave change. And my sister’s favorite quote “Be the change you wish to see”… well those words are the words I am ready to start living. The challenging part is the how to make these words into reality.

Lately I've been feeling restless and discouraged... pretty sure it has to do with the string of challenges that have placed themselves in life's way, but then again I guess that's what makes life life right? Cancer, deaths, economic hardship, job loss, hope lost, hope gained, promises made, promises broken, hope hanging on by a thread, more economic hardship, little miracles, bills piling, good news, sad news, straight up devastating news, more positive news, celebrations, some necessary and some unnecessary drama, isolation, holding on with hope and loads of prayer... the constants in all this???? My faith, my hope for a positive outcome (or at least the ability to look back and consider all this an experience learned from), and an ever growing love like you wouldn't believe for my little family. I love how faith, hope and love are interconnected and all play a critical role in life… great verse- 1 Corinthians 13:13 “and these three remain: faith, hope and love”.

Something worth sharing...

My dad sent this to me in a forwarded email, and it makes me sad that while this may not hold true for ALL kids, it will be the sad reality for a majority of kids who don't have parents to teach them otherwise... Growing up in a sheltered bubble called "private school", my parents (my dad in particular) made a point to keep us grounded in reality (I believe this to be the reason all 4 out of 4 kids turned out to be decent citizens with no record, drug/alcohol problem, and a college education)... Its my sincerest hope that Ryan and I can teach Jayme (and future children we may have) to be a grounded, genuinely good  and respectful person who doesn't give up on life when it gives lemons, but instead finds it in herself/themselves to make the best lemonade out of any lemons and encourage her/their peers in a positive way...

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.

  He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings

created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and

how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so
            don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
            they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
            how cool you thought you were.

 

So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
            life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

 

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few

employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

 

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.

Chances are you'll end up working for one.

  

  

If you can read this... Thank a Teacher.

If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier!

And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!

  

Now... think about this and smile; if you agree then please pass this on or post it to your own blog...

this is me...

holding myself accountable by putting it in writing... today i WILL get outside and go for a run before the rain starts AGAIN... i WILL do my domestic duties (i.e. dishes, dinner, vacuum, and laundry - let's face it, it will get done, just not completely folded... i loathe folding!)... i WILL spend some quality play time with my little bug... i WILL lay out my to do list in order of priority so that i can ACTUALLY get started...

getting caught up...

i just realized i have failed on my goal of posting at least three times a week. our little world has been crazy busy with a mixed bag of life events, and somehow (i know its not an excuse, but i'm giving it anyway) life updates and what should be priorities have gotten away from me. i got a reality check/wake-up call this afternoon as i was reading a girlfriend's post about self-will and sahm laziness (its as if she went inside my deepest level of subconscious and put it into words better than i could have). <deep breath> sooooo this is me telling you (and myself) that its time to stop putting off my rapidly growing to-do list (some of it shouldn't even have to be on a list, as some of it entails my daily domestic duties) and get busy. since the forecast says rain all week (boo-hiss), i will have plenty of stir-crazy indoor time to knock out a few blogs about what we've been up to (i.e. jayme), what's in the works, and other ramblings.... stay tuned... first priority right now is playtime with my bright-eyed lil' one (i wish i had her post-nap energy!)