30 days...

... until I turn 30. In lieu of new years resolutions (who actually keeps those anyway?!)... I thought since this is a big year (you only turn 3 decades once in a lifetime), I would reflect on my journey the past 29 years (more importantly the last decade which has had the most immediate effect on where my life is now), and my "goals" for my 30th year.

Things I accomplished/learned/endured:
- discovered my passion for wanting to have a positive impact on the lives of children (fancy way for saying- the classroom is where I feel at home)... also discovered if you let one lousy professor (who later got fired- go figure) decide your fate... you will regret it (I gave up on my chem prerequisite courtesy of her)

- graduated with my BA in Liberal Studies
- found my best-friend for life where/when I least expected (I'll save our "story" for another post one day), got married
-decided I love to learn (nerd party of one!)... went back to school for my masters and credential
-discovered I want to be Ghandi in the classroom (be the positive change you wish to see in the lives of impressionable children)
-survived and learned I can teach and enjoy kindergarten, special-ed pre-k AND sixth grade (much to my surprise it was one of my greatest and stressful experiences ever)

-graduated on Friday, got laid off on a Monday...
-shortly after discovered God's plan was for me to be a teacher/mother/and homemaker (does anyone even use that word anymore?)  to Jayme who came along later that year
-found that unconventional friendships can be the most inspiring
-realized I really love party planning, and paper crafting (how mommish does that sound?!)
-discovered that death and suffering sucks. and cancer. Realized my mother-in-law was one tough cookie who will always be an inspiration to me (in memory)... also realized that no matter how good a family seems to be holding it together, when the glue goes away, greed and ugliness find their way to dismantle a family in no time...
-realized my heroes are not the "superman" type, but rather they are well into their 80's (and 90's) and have endured and lived life in a way that inspires me everyday (both in my marriage and life in general)- my gramps and Ryan's grandma have both been incredible in care-taking their spouse to the very end no matter how difficult the task (emotionally and physically)
-realized that life is empty without fellowship and friends to support (no matter how awesome your marriage... friends play a critical role in life)
-realized that counting blessings can include those which are not obvious (the ability to have good credit in order to survive this economy and without a job... God's timing with having Jayme- biggest. blessing. ever.)
-realized how easy it is to take life for granted, and how crappy divorce is on a family even if you are all adults
-realized i want to spend the next decade focused on my "small family" thriving (instead of surviving) and try to be as selfless as possible (sounds lame... but until you become a parent, you don't realize how difficult it is to transition from selfish to selfless- gone are the days of shopping sprees and endless "me time")

my inspiration

I could go on, but this is the general gist (I'm sure I probably forgot something(s)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

As Ryan and I sat somberly in the surgery waiting room this morning, I saw this verse in the National Geographic, and it struck a major chord with me. My all time favorite verse (since high school) has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Still one of my faves, but after the past 24 hours, I needed to hear encouraging words ... "this too shall pass" and "to everything there is a season" (this song comes to mind). Yesterday's reality check involved realizing how I took for granted the sweet sound of a baby's heartbeat... life is not a guarantee. death is. whether you are ready or not to accept it. During my routine monthly checkup the doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat, and as he magnified the ultrasound all I could see was the lifeless blob of white on the screen (looked like a banana, which has now given me a complex when I see the bananas on our counter and am brought to tears). 

Then the words, "yeahhhh, I'm just not seeing a heartbeat." Just a couple days shy of 12 weeks (and a week and a few days from making it to the coveted second trimester), our second child-to-be left this life and 24 hours later- my body. I immediately drew comfort in knowing that he/she is in Heaven meeting his/her nana. I know that one day we will get to meet our little angel. The past 48 hours have been a whirl wind of tests, waiting, coping, questioning (was it the sushi? the trip down the stairs? stress?), and learning to understand that I just happened to be in that odd 3% of people that have a pregnancy that is bound to fail eventually even if it is past the 7-8 week mark. 

This morning I spent my first of 30 days counting down to 30, in the hospital having a D&C. Clearly not a "light and easy topic" to talk to their patients about, I have to say that the nurses and care team @ St. Jude were INCREDIBLE, especially the random hugs and comfort in knowing your not alone (and sadly it could be worse- we could have known the gender and developed a deeper bond, or I could have been 7 months along and had to deliver a still born... I'll count this as a crazy blessing that I will hopefully be able to accept soon enough). The most peace I found today was the discharge nurse who held me and asked to pray over me (is this normal?! or did God just know it was what I needed?) 

Hopefully, as time passes and I continue to count down the days until the big 3-0, I am confident that my faith, family, and friends will comfort our loss and help as we turn a new chapter in our little White Family. 

Tid bit Tuesday...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to tell yourself 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you cannot do."  

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Just thought I'd share this inspirational quote my sister shared with me while tackling a challenge I found to be too unnerving for me... these words have become my daily inspiration to tackle the challenges and seemingly impossible situations that are life. Happy Tuesday!

Third times a charm... or a rude awakening... and 1000 Gifts

Three times today an incredibly devastating and inconceivable (beyond our narrow scope of all things TV, internet, and newsprint) reality of human suffering has been brought to my attention (Someone upstairs clearly telling me to pay attention beyond my little bubble and get over feeling sorry for myself)… After hearing and reading about the worst drought and famine in over 60 years affecting OVER 12 MILLION people in parts of Africa, I felt convicted and spoiled (even as we try to figure out how we are going to afford our usual groceries and basic bills each month with one shaky income… its embarrassing to admit that I thought we are/were “barely making ends meet” when these people can’t even get basic water- let alone CLEAN water- food, or proper medical attention). I can’t help but think that every door closes for a reason. And before we realize it, another door or even a small window- a glimmer of hope or assurance- opens a new opportunity. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine the pain and suffering these people are enduring. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what it would be like if I had to trek on foot, with Jayme on my back (hungry for anything that might possibly cross her lips), for days on end in the brutal desert just to possibly find resources at a camp that will provide some minuscule nourishment and maybe some way to prevent widespread measles among other life-threatening diseases (the little provisions that get past the corrupt government who is hoarding the supplies for themselves and the military)… It literally brings tears to my eyes to realize how blessed I am only after seeing the nightmare happening in Africa (my heart strings as a mom are particularly sensitive to those children who depend on the aid of their dying parents)… I have used the line “Well it’s bad, but it could be worse… we could be starving orphans in Ethiopia!” - and now I feel so humbled and lame that the ignorant words that escape my mouth are not just words, but to over 12 million people they are a harsh reality.

I’ve been reading a book that a friend (who has inspired me in more ways than she realizes) gifted me. 1000 Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, has truly touched my heart and has opened my eyes to the countless blessings that surround everyday life and that may have gone unappreciated or unnoticed until now.

This book, coupled with this overwhelming human suffering, has given me a new inspiration for my life and as a result- my blog. (side note* I realize there is tragedy- and possibly even to this scale or worse- in other parts of the world, and I am not ignoring or lessening the severity of those circumstances- I have just been rocked to the core by the awareness this famine has brought me.) I realize updates on our little family (accompanied with pictures of our growing little girl) are entertaining and bring joy to some of you who follow (i.e. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, etc.), but I feel it is important to appreciate my countless blessings (heck- the fact I have a computer to type on and the freedom to publish my thoughts on the internet are blessings in themselves!)

  1.     As Ryan likes to say, our child “eats regular and has a roof over her head” (a basic need that often gets taken for granted) 

she loves to paint with nutella as much as she enjoys eating it

  2.     In keeping with our child’s eating- baby fat and chubby thighs.
  3.     The infectious laughter that fills our home when Jayme is simply happy (sometimes I wish we could truly re-live and appreciate the innocence of a child as the world around them is full of turmoil and yet they have genuine laughter and happiness)

  4.     Healthcare. Even if it is out-of-this-world inflated and ridiculous, at least it’s available and my child is healthy because of it.
 5.     The smell of clean baby.

6.     Mid-afternoon on a Tuesday dance party with my toddler, simply because WE CAN.

 to be continued....

Something worth sharing...

My dad sent this to me in a forwarded email, and it makes me sad that while this may not hold true for ALL kids, it will be the sad reality for a majority of kids who don't have parents to teach them otherwise... Growing up in a sheltered bubble called "private school", my parents (my dad in particular) made a point to keep us grounded in reality (I believe this to be the reason all 4 out of 4 kids turned out to be decent citizens with no record, drug/alcohol problem, and a college education)... Its my sincerest hope that Ryan and I can teach Jayme (and future children we may have) to be a grounded, genuinely good  and respectful person who doesn't give up on life when it gives lemons, but instead finds it in herself/themselves to make the best lemonade out of any lemons and encourage her/their peers in a positive way...

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.

  He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings

created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and

how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so
            don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
            they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
            how cool you thought you were.

 

So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
            life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

 

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few

employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

 

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.

Chances are you'll end up working for one.

  

  

If you can read this... Thank a Teacher.

If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier!

And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!

  

Now... think about this and smile; if you agree then please pass this on or post it to your own blog...

inspirational...

of all her titles, I knew Nancie as "mother-in-law" and "dear friend" (how many people can call their MIL a friend?!); however, I believe everyone who knew her would agree she was more than any title... she was gracious, kind (in a truly genuine manner), forgiving, inspiring, dedicated, and courageous to name a few qualities that defined her. After a difficult day at work and coping with losing his only parent, Ryan's boss gave him this poem by Linda Ellis... the words are inspiring

The Dash Poem

by Linda Ellis 

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

The cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read

With your life's actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

Nancie's dash was cut short, but the dash she lived was full of love, grace, genuine kindness, and generosity that have inspired me and others who knew and loved her...

RIP Nancie... 3-1-11